Choose Your Own Adventure

Do you remember the Choose Your Own Adventure books?  

They were a series of children’s books where each story is written from a second person point of view.  You, the reader, assumed the role of the main character  and as the book unfolded were able to determine the plot and the books outcome.  Essentially, You are the star of the story and you can choose from 21-45 possible endings!!

 It was a revolutionary concept in the 80’s (yes I realize I am dating myself here) But really, who wouldn’t want to feel like you had complete control over a fantastic adventure?

I’ve come to realize my life often feels like a choose your own adventure book.

If I go with a) on page 3 that will lead me to want to choose d) on page 26) which will likely make me feel jealous and frustrated which will direct me to choose c) on page 34 but in the end I will want to be loved which entices me to choose e).

  I attempt novels like I attempt life.  Once I get the gist of where things are going…..I read the ending because something inside me just HAS to know what will happen in the end. 

What is that!?

With the choose your own adventure books you couldn’t do that.  The ending depended completely on the choices you made along the way. 

What is it about life that makes me have this obsessive need to HAVE to know where things are going to go?  Why cant I just let things just be.  Because……if I know, then I can control them!

HA!

No I can’t.  No one can.  Not even She -Ra princess of Power could. 

 But I still try with all my might. 

Here is an example of a typical senario in Erika’s head. (These are actual events)

Senario: 

Agent “Erika, that casting director wants to see you for this part of the desperate church girl.  They think you’d be funny in it.”

Response to senario:

“OMG ok, desperate church girl, sure I can do that.  I know what its like to be desperate.  And I’ve gone to church. This could be it.  This could be my break.   Im gonna go in and rock this audition! “

And if only it could stop there…….

“Ok but, what happens if…….

       a)    I go and totally mess this up, forget my lines, start spouting out a memorized version of  Hamlet that I’ve been working on and they laugh at me and tell me to start auditioning for male parts.

b)  I remind the casting director of his ex girlfriend who cheated on him, stole his car and flushed his favorite fish, Fishy down the toilet.

c) They think I’m too fat and they talk to my agent and suggest that I would be better suited for the commercials about diet pills

d) They look at me like I forgot to get dressed that morning

e) I did forget to get dressed that morning

f)  I’m too young

g) I’m too old

h) Look like Julia Child

i)   What if the gum I’m chewing for the part gets stuck at the back of my throat and it blocks my airway and I choke and nobody knows what to do and they call for help in the audition room and the only guy who comes over is not someone who is a doctor but he did play a doctor in a CBC movie once and just as I come  to the brink of passing out he hits me hard in the chest ( I think he was trying to do CPR?)  gum flies out, saves my life( and my cherry bubalicious) carries me out of the room and somewhere between the real doctors putting in an IV my abnormal thoughts because of the Morphine for the broken rib he gave me when he hit me in the chest,  we fall madly in love with each other and live happily ever after. 

This can all happen in about 45 seconds. 

And just like in life, after exhausting EVERY possible options in my head (and trust me there are a lot)….things rarely go the way you think. 

You know what ACTUALLY happened in that senario? 

I booked the part. Out of 25 other girls in a role that I didn’t think I had a chance in, with a casting Director that had never seen me.  I booked it.

HA!  Didn’t see that one comin.  Didn’t plan for that one at all.  Now what? 

Do you think I could sit and enjoy just the excitement?  Ummmmmm……nope.  Why?  Because now there was a whole new senario to deal with, companying a new set of possibilities and ways it could be executed.

Its exhausting, its emotionally trying, and frankly slightly retarded, but mostly its my way of holding on to what I think is MY version of how my life is and how it can go.

And because the whirlwind inside my head is so loud and so real and so fast……I actually miss what is going on right in front of me.

So here is what I am learning.

Life if full of choices that are constantly laid out infront of us and they have a domino effect.  You can can plan, make choices and forsee what you think is every possible senario that you might be faced with so that you are prepared.  But at the end of the day, the truth is what is right in front of you.  Not what you can conjure up with the amazing imagination you have. 

In life you can be faced with countless choices, but You cant read the end of the book.  You just have to enjoy the story and see where it takes you.