I have spent the past 2 hours pouring over definitions of what our society deems as a Drama Queen. And I have found there are no real positive connotations towards it. Selfish, attention seeking bitches, who makes a big deal out of small situations....over bearing loud personalities. I even googled drama queens, and there are drama queen forums, self-help books on “how to stop being a drama queen”, Quizzes you can take to see if you are a drama queen, actors that are drama queens, there is even a website on how to kill a drama queen.
All in all, it doesn’t leave a good taste in anyone’s mouth. So I have decided I am going to make up my own definition of a drama queen. Why? For what purpose? Who am I to re write a definition that is already there?
All good questions. And my answer is…… Because.
Middle Aged Drama Queen ( from Erika’s dictionary)
A Drama Queen is a woman who although she may come across as overbearing, strong willed, defiant, and over reactive is actually just sick and tired of stupid people and their bullshit and instead of running around with a chainsaw sawing their limbs off, slashing tires, punching many, many, many people in the face and sometimes in the junk, Chooses instead to vent her emotions in a more realistic, appropriate and frankly less bloody manner.
Yes by that definition I am a Drama Queen.
Sure, I have a tendency to over exaggerate about meaningless things. I am often lead by a deadly combination of my imagination and feelings, rather than by my heart or my head. I have many “Ally McBeal” moments where I imagine myself to act out in something in my head that I would never do in real life but really want to.
The truth is life is not the fairytale I imagined. Its messy, its chaotic, and just when things start looking up WHAM!! You have Tonya Harding taking you out at the knees.
So far the only thing constant in my thirties has been change. It’s like Ground Zero. Everything I have built up, been thinking of, dreaming of, and working towards, the loves that I’ve had and lost, the travels I have been, the things I have accomplished....it all had meaning and now, I don’t know what to do with it.
I feel like a snake that has shed its skin. Except my problem is I have taken the skin laying there and pined it up on my bulletin board thinking I must be able to make a coat out of it and put it back into my life somewhere.
I have trouble letting go.
The thirties is an awkward stage where if someone calls you “Ma’am, or Lady” it makes you cringe because that’s what people call your mother. And even though you still have those cute short shorts that have been sitting in your closet waiting till you had the guts to wear them out, you know that every passing year you would be one step closer to “inappropriate”.
Indeed, the catcalls get less and less and when they do happen, you are so elated that you wanna shout back “yeah that’s right baby…I still got it!” Or when you go to the dark pub with low lighting that hides the crows feet you have started to accumulate with great speed, they ask for your ID and you are so excited you scramble to get it out spilling everyone’s drink including yours.
There are bigger consequences to EVERY decision you make in your life. That Linguini Carbonara is soooo good, but lets face it, its gonna show up sittin around your waist in a matter of hours. If you go out for a night of partying you used to be able to drink a mickey of peach schnapps, dance all night, stay up till the sun came up, take a 4-hour nap and do it all over again. Now I start yawning after one glass of wine. Relationships become more serious faster with more baggage in tow and are more heartbreaking when they don’t go the way you expected.
It was really only a few short years ago that I felt was heading somewhere BIG, I was going to really BE somebody. I really didn’t know where I was going, maybe not even totally sure what I wanted. But I knew one thing for sure. I was going to be AMAZING!
Well here I am sitting in a coffee shop, spilling my heart out in a blog that I thought was only for computer geeks with no lives, just after loosening the top button to my jeans because I ate that burger and onion rings instead of going for a run. I am listening to soft music that I would have rightly classified as “Soft rock” only a few years ago that only old people listened to. And I’m thinking about weather it was 4 or 6 weeks ago that I last did my roots to cover up the extreme white hair coming through.
But most of all, I’m wondering what it is I am looking for, and more importantly…. will ever find it.
I’m trying to remember What was it in my 20’s that gave me that hope, that ZING, that life inside that kept me going and said, this is pretty good now…but just you wait Erika Conway, You will realize your dreams, you will become everything you have ever wanted. You will become stronger, better, You will find someone who loves and adores you, and kisses you with background music in the rain (no I did NOT just finish watching the Notebook) when you get to your 30’s you will be truly happy!
BULLSHIT!!!!
What was I thinking? I thought I had grown out of my “princess” stage. I thought I was being realistic about my dreams.
Disney said
“Have faith in your dreams and someday, your rainbow will come smiling thru. No matter how your heart is grieving, if you keep on believing, the dream that you wish will come true.”
It wasn’t so long ago that those words were like a flowing river of hope into my soul.
And now? Well Walt Disney is dead, and the hard cold truth is…I’m not a princess. I’m not the maiden of a Disney film and no I will defiantly not see Prince Charming Riding over the mountain top on his white horse any time soon (Unless of course prince Harry accepts my offer of being his saucy brunette on the side in the countless letters I have written him. Haven’t heard back yet…will keep you posted)
No the reality is, I am Erika Conway.
Drama Queen? On many occasions.
Charming? Without a doubt.
Broken, Insecure and messed up? More than you know.
Happy? Still workin on that one.
A fighter of truth? Yes.
Believer that ice cream and wine can heal many wounds? Oh yes.
Still believe in love? Sigh Yes.
Maybe this journey isn’t about getting somewhere. Maybe its just about letting go and accepting all that you are with open arms and letting the rest figure itself out. I don't know what it means, but i hope that somewhere between that pint of Ben & Jerry's and me having the courage to step forward into the unknown.....I will be able to just be ok with me. Drama and all.
Erika Conway
Drama Queen Extraordinaire.
Man, I thought you ruled before...now I believe you completely rule! And we have a lot more in common than I thought. Here's my 41 year old take on you, my darling lady--you are magnificent. When I met you and watched you perform, you blew my mind. I've spent my entire life hiding behind the scenes, shackled by fear. That you charge out there and LIVE is big. It's the biggest thing ever! Life is full of so many twists and turns, and if I had a dollar for every time I said "Wow, if you had told me five years ago that I'd be doing (fill in the blank), I'd have told you you were nuts!" If what you put out into the world is what you get back, then what you will get back is extraordinary!
ReplyDeleteLife is drama--and if you are it's queen, then I say "All Hail her Majesty!!"
Always remember that there is the you who others see--others like me, who know a strong, amazing, beautiful, dramatic woman who "PLUCK DA CHICKENS!!!" Remind your inner scared, insecure woman of her. Or ask someone to remind you!